The Regulator

A wagging finger

My dream calling in my church is to be the "regulator". The number 1 reason is because there is such a NEED for one.

Here are some of the duties I perform : (whether in my mind or in action, it happens every week).

*When a speaker goes too long, the regulator produces a cane with a hook and removes them from the pulpit.
*When incorrect doctrine is spoken, the regulator shines a laser pointer right into the offender's eyes, thereby causing him to cease and desist.
*When teachers are excused early to go and prepare their classrooms, the regulator stands at the door to verify if they are really teachers or just trying to pull one over on everybody. Because, hey - that group gets bigger every week.
*If the hymn is being sung too slow, the regulator taps a large plastic wand on the piano until the organist and everyone else gets up to speed.
*If the hymn is too fast.....nevermind. The hymn is never too fast.
*Unless....you are in Relief Society and the pianist, because she is not singing, runs into the next verse before you have finished the last line of the previous verse.
*The regulator makes sure that there are no long or unnecessary meetings. This is a big one and takes a lot of energy.
*The regulator provides a list of those wanting to give sacrament meeting talks. It is populated by those giving closing prayers lasting longer than 1 minute and containing it's own subject matter.
*When the time is up, the regulator stands up and pulls a hand across the throat as a sign to stop. This is especially useful, since the entire congregation sees it too. There's nothing like church peer pressure, is there? (This will have to be it's own post).

*When the third hour is over, it's over. Because we are like sponges, you and I. We are capable of soaking in during the entire lesson, but if it goes even one minute over (this includes the song) the sponge begins to leak at a very rapid pace, replaced by agitation and in some cases, hostility.
*Teach monthly seminars on how our church calling does not define who we are as a person. Nor does our church calling take precidence over other things, like say.....FAMILY.

Stay tuned for part II because trust me, I have only scratched the surface of the need for a ward regulator.